Where I’ve Been

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I know it’s been a while since i posted anything but there are reasons for that. I managed to get some reading in during this time away but i didn’t have much of a chance to write. I’m back and I have some things I need to communicate or at least purge from my maze of a mind.

First, life sucks when you have to depend on another person or a lady behind a desk for basic necessities like food and shelter. Dependence is a weakness and an addiction. I recently had to help a family member who has depended on the state of Georgia to feed and shelter her and her kids for probably more than a decade. Now, this isn’t an anti-welfare rant. My wife and I had WIC with my daughter. While I hated the process of standing in those damn soup lines to be told by a person with less education than me that my paperwork wasn’t correct or I filled out the wrong info, it still helped us.

This is just a proclamation that life is not meant to be lived at the mercy of another human being. She has little to zero control over any aspect of her life. WIC determines what food she can buy. The meager amount of TANF money determines where she can live based on rent amounts which also determines what school her children can go to. She can’t choose her own doctor. She has a limited choice of everything in life. I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong. She shouldn’t have it made on welfare. I just can’t imagine having so little say in my own existence.

I also notice that when you choose to do the right thing, and I mean the RIGHT thing, there are very few people that have the fortitude to stick with you thru the struggle of carrying your world and someone else’s world on your shoulders. Luckily for me, my niece, and my nephew, my wife has it in spades. I don’t want accolades or medals or even a pat on the back. I want those children to be safe and living with SOME member of their own family. I don’t want compensation or repayment from anyone. I won’t extort anything from someone who already has nothing, all under the guise of helping. If the money would hurt you, don’t lend it out. If it won’t kill your pockets but you still demand a subservient, extortionist type of agreement before you “help”, that doesn’t make you frugal. It makes you an ego-maniacal, controlling, manipulative, irrationally paranoid, selfish failure of a human being. It makes you a greedy, heartless snake. I will do what’s right the first time, every time, and know that most of my family will not. I accepted this burden because I know that, with my wife’s help, I can keep these kids out of the system.

It just blows my mind how things play out when an immovable force, such as my sense of right, projects itself into the world around me. People are immediately threatened by me. They know I won’t bend or budge. They know by my actions that I will never sacrifice my integrity for an easier ride. I can’t compromise in the face of hardship. They don’t like me because they don’t have that same determination and it makes them feel weak. I am my family’s broken mirror and it seems like all they see when they look at me is their own shortcomings. That and disappointment looking back at them. What example would that set for my daughter when she finds out the strong father she’s supposed to depend on is in fact a weakling who can and will fold or compromise his integrity every time something gets too hard? No. She’ll know that her mama and daddy took the world on their shoulders and never had to go to a knee. She’ll know, and her cousins will know, that her daddy is an unbreakable, immovable pillar that she can depend on until he has to depend on her. She’ll know that I won’t break until I die and only then because I can’t stop death. Not that I’ve tried yet. That right there is worth more than any compensation and control that evil bastard will get.

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